Jake Major Music

The worst feeling in the world is when you want to love or show someone affection, especially someone who is clearly interested in you, but you’re too uncomfortable to express this because of how negatively you view yourself in your own mind - because of how unworthy of love and connection you consider yourself to be.

What you wanted for so long is waiting for you, but your mind won’t let you to take it. That hurts. And what also hurts is the realisation that you’ve allowed the words and opinions of others to destroy you to the point that it’s caused dysfunction in your own life - you’ve let them win…and it’s all your own stupid fucking fault.

I could’ve lived so many different lives, but I couldn’t say the words required to live them. I can heal myself, but I will never forgive myself for choosing to allow the world to grind me down to nothing…although, there is a lot of freedom in being nothing, I’ve discovered.

I’ve learned a few other lessons for the future too, a future in which I will seize every day. Resentment is a choice. At least 75% of your misery is a figment of your own mind and is simply a catastrophisation of reality. Or, it’s the reaction to negative events caused by the behaviours that this catastrophisation itself induces. Or, it could be behaviours induced by similar factors, such as the externalisation of self-loathing, causing the negative events, which then add to your misery. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Therefore, at least 75% of your misery is your own fault. Yes, there are nasty people you have to deal with. Yes, you’re unlucky sometimes. Yes, there are obstacles in your way. But it’s your choice how you respond to these things. I chose to be bitter for so long that it had a very negative impact on my life. That was a foolish mistake.

I may have faced difficulties, but they only had a drastic effect after the event because of how I chose to react to them, how I chose to think about them - neurotically, of course.

Never let anything grind you down, always let go as soon as possible so you can keep on moving. You have a lot more control over your mind than you realise.

Never have a chip on your shoulder: you will only be your own worst enemy - you will only alienate yourself further than ever from all connection.

I have already done this, but I choose to remain the outsider for now because of the freedom I’ve found in it. I want to spend a lot of my time in this way, and make the most of the potential for creativity that being alone introduces. Bitterness led me here, but I’ve since dedicated my solitude to the purpose of my art and expression, in order to prevent stagnation.

Also, the emotional hurdle I would have to overcome to return to integration is too much for me, at least at this moment in time.

You can always go back, though. You can be reborn tomorrow, again the next day, and again the day after that. You can do whatever you damn well like if you’re strong enough to mould your emotions to benefit your objective, or even detach from them completely. I’m just not ready for the next round yet. I cower because I know it has to be the second and last round. It’s the point of no return. I may falter, but I cannot allow myself to resign from life again. Not like I have this time. It’s not an option.

You can know the ins and outs of every last one of your flaws. You can acknowledge all of your mistakes and the reasons behind them. You can know exactly what you need to do in order to fix the aforementioned. But you can still not have the balls to put it into practice.

Emotions are powerful, pain envelops you, becomes comfortable. It doesn’t matter how much theory you’ve learned, hesitancy and fear will do a very good job at stopping you from employing it.

You’re right there, though. On the edge of something magical. You can only jump once more, and, irrespective of what you encounter amidst your fall, you must keep on falling. You can’t be stuck in mid-air like last time, afraid to fall any further.

Keep on falling until you land on your feet. Even if you do get stuck in mid-air, you know how to snap out of it much better now. And who am I to say anything? I haven’t jumped again yet! I’m making the most of my time on the edge.

Of course you’re aware of the pain causing you to sit in the corner with that look on your face. But they’re not. They just see a repulsively miserable cunt with a woe is me, anti-social attitude. An arrogant twat. They just see someone not worth a moment of their time. As unfair as it seems, the change starts with you, even if you have been spurned a thousand times. As long as you at least try to influence your surroundings by being amenable, you’ve done your bit.

You didn’t sit there and wait for the world to give you the living you think it owes you; you participated, you contributed, and, although nothing too interesting came of it on this occasion, you thought about next time, the time after that, and how if you don’t make an effort consistently, there may a time when there is magic in the room waiting for you: an opportunity, an experience, a lesson, a new adventure, the path to an alternate life, but you’re sat in the corner like a cunt again, withdrawn, missing out on it all.

So long as you're present, you're living. To be anything but present will: inhibit your growth, discovery, and learning, and it will repress your deepest desires and have you withdraw from the world as they try to find a way to be released from your aching heart. They may never be released. You may implode. It is the dead man walking who refuses to be present. And no-one will save him. Only he can make the jump - the jump into life, or, indeed, death. He must choose.

-It’s this dilemma around escapism, facing things head on, the idea that life is pre-determined, and the idea that the meaning of your existence is yours to define, that is so intoxicatingly enticing to me. That is humanity. Inconsistent, ever-changing.

-I have phases where I loathe people. But that hate never has been or will be as strong as that I reserve for myself.

-You can take life too seriously, or not seriously enough. But both can result in one taking their life. I do fucking both! I’m taking my life - by the scruff of the neck!

-The best way to avoid self-destructive tendencies is to destroy yourself and experience the consequences.

-So what if you’re in the gutter? Wait for the rain and see where it takes you.

-Alcohol makes me feel so fucking low. I’m drowning in my sorrows.

-A misanthrope filled to the brim with alcohol and resentment is a very dangerous force.

-A life of vice is a life of nice; a shorter life is the price.

-Cananbis, that’s what you want. I love it because it boosts creativity, makes you laugh, makes colours brighter, makes everything taste great, and, it relaxes you. Furthermore, it is a great tool for self-confrontation and self-improvement. You will be able to look at your actions in third-person; in an impartial, unbiased manner. You will be able to dissect your mistakes, your behaviours, and your flaws, with surgical precision, thus giving you the path you must follow to be better. I think this is why a lot of people don’t like cannabis, along with psychedelic drugs, which are good for a more intense wave of the aforementioned; people are afraid of the truth about themselves, because it’s normally negative. They become aware of all of the different ways in which they are flawed, and they breakdown because they cannot accept it. That’s what a bad trip is. They blame the drugs for their breakdown, but the drugs only amplify the subconscious and its once repressed awareness of one’s negative aspects. And the negative aspects were there before the drugs came along. Smoking weed has helped me through an immense amount of mental turmoil. You must look into the cannabyss before you experience the cannabliss. Mary Jane: the only girl who did right by me! Haha!

-Arrogance - often the weak man’s last stand.

-Don’t worry about your quirks, imperfections, or flaws. If she truly loves you, then these are the things she loves!

-It’s funny how my heart hurts with yearning when I hear words like ‘love’, ‘romance’, or ‘girlfriend’. It’s also funny how I’m considered anything but human when I express this.

-Always take the regret of being told no over the regret of not asking.

-I only feel worthy or deserving of intimacy when I’ve compensated the lady for what I imagine is the displeasure of having it with me.

-The only people ever to successfully satiate my craving to be understood were ladies of the night: they don’t judge. They don’t ridicule. They just get that you’re hurting, and make you feel so relaxed and comfortable that you don’t hurt anymore.

-If a woman threatens a man’s virility and somehow develops a situation where he has to prove it to her, she can make him do anything she wants. Men are fools. Women have much more sense and there are far more women sure of themselves than men, I would say. Their confidence can’t be broken either, it’s rarely false. If a woman is knocked down, they get straight back up! They would never wallow in pain, ruin years of their life and waste their youth by hating themselves for whatever happened - because they’re not fucking idiots like I, a man, am.

-How could I ever blame women for overlooking me; an insecure and meek wallflower with nothing enticing or reassuring about them? And, more recently, all of these things plus bitter and cynical. It’s my own fault, plus natural selection. No-one likes a miserable cunt.

-It’s funny that the strangeness of my music, lyrics, and personality stems from a childhood yearning to fit in.

-You may not have grown up in style - just make sure you go out in it.

-To act in spite of weakness is strength.

-Life is like thrashing your head against a brick wall. Keep on doing it until you break through!

-I’m a million and one contradictions. I’m an abundance of hypocrisies. My soul is always fighting with itself amidst my non-stop existential pondering. With every thought I have, there comes a counter-argument to it. I’m always challenging my own ideas. It’s hard work, sometimes exhausting. But it’s certainly interesting. I’m the multifaceted world and everything in it.

-I’ve learned to love the grey world the way it is. Its bleakness is the clay with which I mould my music and words.

-A lot of people are scared to be left alone with only their thoughts. I don’t blame them.

-When you’re scared of dying unfulfilled, yet afraid to live because you’re too weak-willed - that is a remarkably low point. You will be disgusted with yourself.

-You cannot control what people do or say, but only how you respond to it.

-The world will always have its verdict. Good or bad, take heed of neither.

-That rage inside of you, don’t let it eat you up, but use its power. Channel its energy into something productive and meaningful.

-I may appear cold and detached, indifferent even, but underneath, I am the most sensitive person in the world. I see and hear everything happening around me. I embody it. Every bit of negativity, no matter how insignificant, I absorb, usually with a blank face, for I don’t want my mental agony to be revealed. I then feel this pain building in my heart, it gets heavier and heavier until I can’t carry it anymore. I then implode or breakdown. The cycle repeats.

-Avoid self-pity and resentment at all costs. These things will paralyse you. You will never transcend the bounds of your limitations as long as these feelings prevail.

-Pain should be faced head on. It’s where the answers are, the difficult truths. It’s the only way forward and you must go through it. Think your way through it. Its energy should be used to build yourself up and entrench new paths. You should learn to love your suffering. Amor fati.

-Yes, you may have come across some nasty individuals, but you have chosen to allow yourself to be tainted by their vile words. It’s time to confront yourself!

-I can’t look after myself. But I can torture myself to the point of strengthening.

-You think you were alienated? That was probably your own doing. You were spurned by X number of people, but that doesn’t mean they will all spurn you. You spurn yourself by not putting yourself out there in the world to see who might surprise you.

-The most common cause for misanthropy is an inability to dominate the social world. You can’t go far in it, so you are jealous of and resent the people who can. You retreat into a solitude born of bitterness; an unproductive, destructive solitude of stagnation and misery. You drift further and further away, making the return to integration harder and harder. You’re eaten up by your own retched mind. You externalise all of your self-hatred onto others. You try to view your suffering as special, you try to moralise it. You try to believe you’re a victim, but you can’t deny the undeniable: that you’re a victim only of the thoughts you choose to think. You eventually take responsibility, regain consciousness, and realise what you need to do to make things better. Yet, you cower at the jump one must make to return to the world, whilst at the same time, you understand the strengthening qualities of this act, the character-building that awaits alongside the emotional chaos required to fuel this. You prepare. You act once you’re sure you’ve accepted that you cannot turn back, once you’re sure that you’ve learned to love your fate, your suffering, unconditionally. Then, you jump.

-I’ve always wanted life to be endless euphoria; that’s why I ended up becoming so jaded when I couldn’t find anything in the external that made me feel this way. That was until I recognised the euphoria that suffering can bring if you view it in a certain manner, and utilise it to further yourself, then, life becomes constant ecstasy; reward after reward!

-I’m certainly inspired by Nietzsche, however, he would be so pissed off at me. He would loathe the fact that despite having worked my way through my resentment, despite having accepted my suffering - my standard, the kind that everyone deals with, nothing special suffering - is fuel for growth, and must be embraced and loved, despite these things and more, I still ruminate with this knowledge. Although I’ve taken responsibility for my emotions and circumstances, and realised the errors of my ways, I cower at what I call ‘the jump’ that you must make to return to integration and full, authentic living, where rejection, ridicule, humiliation, and failure are all risks, but at the same time, all fuel for the furtherance of oneself. Harsh, gritty fuel. Nietzsche would diagnose me with decadence. He wouldn’t care that I think I’ve got enough fuel for now. I’m still weak-willed until I make ‘the jump’. He would be sick to shite of my cowardice and push me off the edge. Readiness is a byproduct of action. Truth should be lived, not just thought. Patience is what the weak man uses to justify doing nothing. This is all really funny to me because I’m a pretentious tosser and I know it! I may not have escaped just yet, but I know very well the cage that I’m trapped in! Haha! Is that a bit of resentment in that laugh? Oh dear. Let’s see where I go!

-Words - they’re all excuses for our tragic lives, used to comfort us amidst the tragedy. Really, it’s action that expands us by allowing us to discharge the energy of our misery. Until I take action, I am nothing but a decadent coward, hiding behind the intellectualisation of his pain. Perhaps my visceral disgust at my cowardice is what will make me move?

-You always have the nuclear option. You can use the last of what you have to live a brief but constant ecstasy. Fuck longevity! Fuck busting your balls in a dead end job for the rest of your days just to stay alive! Run yourself into the ground, and enjoy every beautiful moment of the process! Go out in style! You might feel this is the last stand, but you could make it! Even if you don’t, look at the fucking fun you had trying! Stop trying to last, start trying to be!

-My words are not from a place of success. They are the bridge from my discontentment to something great. I’m yet to get to the other side of the bridge. My words are mainly instructions to myself, and, in sharing them, I’m simply warning you against the mistakes I made, showing you the consequences, and potential ways out. I’m only calling myself out here - any contempt for others covered in my words is merely self-hatred redirected to the external. I hate myself because I did not act in favour of the betterment of my life, and I still struggle to. I’m so glad that I’m aware of that fact.

-My surname is Major. Really? I’m surprised my middle name isn’t lucky!